Are Koreans low key the biggest of Halloween fans?
Just look at their terrifying sheet masks and tell me otherwise. These ghoulish masks that are used to hydrate skin are also the same that would make Donald Trump run the other way. There’s nothing attractive about these serum-dripping, vitamin-soaked masks.
And every time you wear one, it scares the bejeezus out of me.
That Instagram post with your Mike Myers mask? Stahp. The duck lips that you pursed as you took a selfie on Snapchat? No, Satan, not today. When you asked me over for Netflix and chilled mask night, the real reason I couldn’t make it? I obviously didn’t have a dog emergency (I don’t even own a dog!). Honestly, I couldn’t bear witness you chortling at the television screen while your wet mask drizzled into the popcorn that you proceeded to pop into your mouth. That’s a true American Horror Story.
Truly, Korean face masks are blood-curdlingly weird. Which is why this year for Halloween, it’s perfect that I’m deciding to wear one to every party. Yes, I’ll be that basic beauty bro at the festivities that totally re-uses a face mask instead of a being an ingenue with a real costume. Because yes, I’m lazy, and when it comes down to it, I love to troll. Bisous, bisous, I’ll double kiss you and every last person as they come through, spreading beautiful drippings of essence onto every last cheekbone. Oh, and don’t worry about the drippings everywhere. It’s snail extract, the face mask’s secret ingredient. Don’t get all PETA on me and pretend you didn’t know. Is that spooky and Halloween enough for you?
Don’t have your own costume? Here, I brought some extra masks for you.
What’s a better party trick than foaming at the mouth? Look at me fizzle and sizzle with this petrifying foaming mask I bought in Koreatown yesterday, called Mogongtox Soda Bubble Sheet, as you proceed to walk slowly away from me. It’s the perfect party trick when you want something to come alive on your face. The mask bubbles apparently to get rid of blackheads. While we’re unsure if that actually worked, it did make us look crazy AF, well worth the $4 at Memebox.
Unfortunately, my face isn’t this plastic. It’s actually blotchy, a little dry, with freckles all over. This, this, is the latest in Korean technologies. It’s not sheet, it’s completely made of gel. It’s perfectly blobby, a clear mask that’s supposed to resemble your second-skin. Yes, it makes me look exactly like a blob fish, and indeed, I’ve never felt sexier. It’s liberating to know that a simple mask gel mask can bring out the freaky side in you. Wait, where are you going? Hello? $7 at Ulta.
Watch as I walk around posing with absurdity as I stride throughout the party with a bowl of Cap’n Crunch and hemp milk. No, this isn’t a snack. I can’t even eat through this sheet mask, silly! Can’t you see how clever I am? I have a freaking mask on and look like a serial killer with a bowl of cereal in my hands AND A KNIFE. Okay, this is getting weird now and I’m putting this knife away. Get this juicy raspberry sheet mask at Nature Republic, $3.90.
“I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti,” I say in a deep, creepy voice, straight-faced. Mind you, I don’t even know what fava beans are, but they sound kinda good? In any case, with this aluminum mask (which I’d actually highly recommend!), there need not be a single word even spoken. It’s completely spine-tingling on its own. Get this Estee Lauder Advanced Night Repair mask for $22 at Macy’s.
Terrifying Snapchat Doggie IRL
Can you tell I put lots of thought into this one? No, I’m not a tired clown with dark circles! I’m a freaking dog! Look at how authentic I am holding a ball. Okay, even I hate me. Goodbye. Get this character mask at The Face Shop at Amazon, $4.
Flesh-eating bacteria zombie (or is that pepperoni?)
Take a guess: Am I a flesh-eating zombie, Michael Phelps’ back during the Olympics, or Damian from that one lunchroom scene in Mean Girls? With this odd but amazing Rose Petals Face Mask you truly don’t know. Neither do I. Get it at Soko Glam for $5.
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