I’m lying on my bed, ass out, bright pink mask smeared on both of my bare cheeks, and boom, my roommate walks in.
We stare, both at a loss for words. Then we break out in laughter, half to ease the tension and half at my own ridiculousness. I’ve known my roommate since kindergarten, we’ve gotten drunk, cried, and slept in the same bed, but this was a first. We’re close, but until now, not close enough to have seen each other naked.
SEE ALSO: How to get rid of butt pimples
It was all for good reason. I had the chance to test Anese’s line of booty-related skincare. The LA-based brand, self-described as “skincare for babes who don’t take life too seriously,” is expanding its infamous booty duo (a scrub and a mask) into a booty trio. Today, with much anticipation, it’s releasing a new caffeinated oil, $32, for your butt. It’s supposed to firm, hydrate and help combat cellulite.
For an entire week, I did everything I could to get the most attractive, Instagrammable booty of my life.
But I digress. After about 20-minutes, I waddle to the bathroom to wipe the mask off but before I can get there, I freeze. It’s my other flatmate. That’s two unsuspecting people confronted by my naked form and it was just day one.
We tend to obsess over our faces and forget that the other 90% of our bodies are also skin. And there is a reason for that. The face is the most visible and emotive part of the body. We’re confronted with it in the mirror multiple times per day, every day. We can see the changes, stress over blemishes, fret over signs of age.
I have a litany of products reserved for my face but the skin on the rest of my body is forced to take a back seat. Which made me wonder: why shouldn’t my ass get the same care and attention?
Anese certainly thinks it should. It’s built a full three-step regimen on the premise that the butt deserves skincare of equal caliber to anything we put of our faces.
Speaking candidly, my butt and face have a lot in common. My main concern for both is acne and the Ghosts of Acne Past, better known as scars. Those dreaded red dots that populate the upper half of my buttocks are annoying companions that I can’t seem to fully get rid of. They’re small but they’re definitely there.
Why shouldn’t my ass get the same care and attention?
I’m not alone in the struggle. Butt acne or “butt-ne” is a fairly common problem. It forms from a buildup of oils and dead skin, that can be caused by anything from hormones, to sweaty underwear or tight clothing. Treating it can be tricky, read our guide on how best to do it when the pimples come knocking.
But getting the best, supply booty can also be tricky. I tested the full line-up for an entire week and did everything I could to see if I, too, could get the most attractive, Instagrammable booty of my life. This is what happened.
Step 1: That booty tho
That booty tho, $28, is a walnut scrub (safe for the oceans) specially formulated for your bum. It’s also what I want people to be saying while I saunter by them at the beach. The scrub is a dark amber color, comes in an Insta-worthy glass jar and has a strong, hearty fragrance. I can’t quite place it aside that it brings to mind rye bread in the best way possible, like the inside of your favorite bakery. It targets cellulite, stretch marks, scars and acne with a myriad of antioxidants and fatty acids to stimulate blood flow and assist in cell regeneration.
On day one, I take it to the shower and as I rub it in between my hands it turns into a pale brown color. It loses its dry, coarse texture and becomes a bit oily, which helps it spread over the target area with ease. I was expecting something uncomfortably rough but what I got was an insanely pleasant experience.
After two days, my ass feels smooth and I can’t see any new pimples. After three, I think some spots of discoloration are fading. Overall, my cheeks do feel softer, smoother, more loved.
Step 2: Down with the thickness
Are you down with the thickness? I am. Get on board. The $35 clay booty mask is complete with B Vitamins and collagen to plump and hydrate. It’s either Pepto-Bismol pink or bubble-gum pink depending on what kind of childhood you had and smells like peaches.
Applying it is where a boyfriend would’ve come in handy. I strain and contort my body to see where I’m spreading a thin layer of the mask. I let it dry while I swipe through Tinder. As I’m lying there, the word superfluous comes to mind. Was this really necessary? Who’s gonna see my butt (I am no stranger to nude beaches but not in New York)? Maybe one of these boys on the screen in front of me? And then I remind myself: “remember all the uselessly shitty stuff you’ve put on your face?”
Well, this is not one of those. It dries down but doesn’t feel drying and comes off without much effort. It really does make the skin on my butt cheeks feel smoother. And even if it doesn’t do much else, indulgence for indulgence sake is sometimes a worthy pursuit.
On day two, I accidentally roll over in bed while wearing the mask, leaving a pink imprint on my white sheets. The impracticalities of a mask for your bum are beginning to show. Taking it off presents other challenges. Not wanting to take another shower, I sit on the edge of the bathroom sink and splash water on my butt cheeks, making a mess in the process.
Step 3: Have you seen my underwear?
This cruelty-free and vegan caffeinated booty oil is the new star of the line-up. That’s right. Caffeine isn’t just for your coffee and your under-eyes anymore, it’s also for your butt.
It’s sweet like the Victoria Secret perfumes the girls in middle school used to wear but better. If I had more of it, I’d apply it all over my body, bathe in it, soak my hair in it. Yeah, you get the picture, it smells good.
It contains a good helping of summer’s “it” ingredient – watermelon, which is naturally rich in vitamins A, B and C so you’re doing the skin on your butt a real favor. It’s made to hydrate, moisturize, soften and target cellulite while firming skin. You might ask: who’s gonna be looking that closely? And I might respond: whoever you want. Butts out for summer!
A couple of pumps into the hand as instructed and I proceed to spread it in circular motions over my cheeks. It’s a nice little massage you give yourself. If you’re familiar with face oils, then you’ll be right at home with this. It feels luxurious and since I’m being honest, a bit naughty. It might be the sexy gold packaging but I’m feeling a certain kind of way. It absorbs quickly so I didn’t notice any transfer when I got into my sheets again.
Did the products do much? I don’t entirely know. Unlike the face, it’s hard to see the butt, save for the few of us with unusually flexible necks. Do you absolutely NEED this booty-enhancing line? Of course not. Believe me, your butt is perfect as is. But small improvements never hurt, and it was undeniably fun. Everyone should mask their butt at least once in their lives. My roommate and I plan to make a night of it soon. Movie and butt mask anyone?
Above all else, it made me more confident. And while I don’t subscribe to the idea that my self-worth is tied up in the status of my behind, it feels good to pamper it every once and awhile.
BUY Anese’s new Have you seen my underwear? caffeine oil, $32, HERE.