To all of our Martian followers who may not know, last night was the first 2020 Presidential Debate in which President Donald Trump and Vice President Joe Biden all but started a fight club on stage.
In case you threw your TV in the garbage midway through or are a true functioning human with other plans besides watching two grown men yell at each other for 90 minutes, we took notes on some of the biggest take-aways, digs, and moments that made us reach past our bottles of win for something stronger.
Here’s what you missed:
– Unsurprisingly, Donald Trump looked orange AF. So glad that the coronavirus hasn’t stopped him from making his tanning bed sessions.
– Trump: “You don’t know what’s on the ballot.” Honey, you might not, but we all do. 👀👀👀
– It’s not the biggest deal, but Trump poked his tongue out like a pervy lizard wetting his lips. As if I didn’t have enough reasons why we need to vote him out.
– Now, I’m no expert, but I’m confident I know enough about politics to know Joe Biden could not both “lose the left” and be a socialist. (Alternately: I’m putting down on my resume under “Skills” that I understand politics better than the President of the United States.)
– Trump: “They shouldn’t call it Obamacare.” It’s funny that he says that because it’s not called Obamacare. It’s called the Affordable Care Act.
– Getting “Will you shut up, man?” tattooed as a tramp stamp ASAP.
– Trump: “They give you good news and they give me bad press- that’s just the way it is.” Pack it up, QAnon.
– Trump is bragging about the size of his rallies in the middle of a global pandemic…. It’s almost like he’s compensating for something.
– Congrats if you had “China plague” on Racism Bingo!
– Trump: “I’m the one that brought back football.” Dude, we just wanted to see our grandparents and not die.
– Trump: “I don’t want to pay tax.” Can you please be a little more literate the next time you admit to breaking the law on live television, Mr. President? Jeez, it’s almost like your father paid your way into Wharton.
– Biden: “You are the worst president America has ever had.” No Joe, tell him how you really feel.
– I truly love the energy of Trump saying “excuse me” as if he hasn’t been interrupting Biden this entire time.
– Trump’s reverting back to his 2016 “I’m the only one who can save you” mentality. As if he hasn’t brought us to the 5th ring of hell.
– Do trump’s hands look exceptionally small to anyone tonight?
– Joe turning and pointing to the camera when he talks makes me feel ~loved~
– Trump: talks over Joe. Chris Wallace: please stop ❤️
– Wallace: “Are you willing to call out white supremacists and militia groups and ask them to stand down?” Trump: no ❤️
– Biden: “He has a response to dealing with hurricanes. He said to just drop a nuclear bomb on it.”
Trump: “I never said that.”
– I don’t know who needs to hear this but @realdonaldtrump, you were never elected by the American public.
– Let me get this straight: so one of the candidates cares about protecting voting rights and the other knows he can only win with fraud.
– Trump just asked his supporters to commit a felony at a presidential debate…. But go on tell us about how you rightfully won the election in 2016, Mr. President.
Best Biden one-liners:
– “Will you just shut up, man?”
– “You are the worst president America has ever had.”
– “Show up and vote.”
– “I’m in favor of law and order with justice where people get treated fairly.”
– “Vote whatever way is the best way for you.”