Hate anything smooth, supple, or soft? Would you rather have itchy, blotchy, dry, ashy skin? Do you truly hate being comfortable?

If you answered yes, yes and YASSS to any and all of these questions, you truly must be a porcupine. And if you really are and reading this, please, I beg you, write for us.  For all of you other human beings who overwhelmingly said HELL NAH, we have some good news for you. We tried a new product line all about fighting dryness and were pleased to say that it really does work.

It’s from Dove Men+Care Elements, a brand new product line that launched Monday. The brand is all about that Micromoisture technology that it patented years ago, which is clinically proven to leave your skin hydrated. What we’ve always loved about Dove’s men’s line is that it was great for sensitive skin. I mean, it’s not the coolest of brands on the market. There are definitely many, multiple brands that have that cool cachet. Dove isn’t one of them. It’s like, Dad Cool. But we digress! Their new line is all about utilizing premium ingredients at an approachable price point and is inspired by the Earth’s elements. The new products include: Minerals+Sage, Charcoal+Clay and Mineral Powder+Sandalwood. We tested the Charcoal+Clay body wash.

There are tiny exfoliation agents. Aren’t they sexy? (Photo by David Yi/Very Good Light)

I’ve always felt like the fragrance of Dove Men+Care line made me feel like a true DILF. Almost as if I was married, had 14 children (and counting), a scruffy, soft beard, wore ill-fitting cargo shorts with Crocs but still made it look hot. That is, the brand’s fragrance always felt super masculine, what I’d imagine Jon Hamm would smell like every morning.

I’ve always felt like the fragrance of Dove Men+Care line made me feel like a true DILF.

Super normcore sexy, sure, but not very me. As anyone reading this site would know, I’m more of a lavender, manuka honey, rose petal, type of dude who likes to smell clean, fresh and zestfully unisex.

Which is why among all of the products I chose the Charcoal & Clay, meant to purify dirty skin while drawing out dirt, oil and toxins, made me totally change my feeling towards the brand. For one, I’m definitely a sucker for charcoal and anything clay, two words that conjure bath time, me time, selfish time where I can pamper myself without remorse. And it seemed a lot more elevated than other formulations.

It’s me in the bathtub living my best life. (Photo by David Yi/Very Good Light)

After testing the new product line for a week, I was super confused. The packaging wasn’t so new and the formula was almost the same. But the fragrance was a little bit more unisex. It didn’t have the musky, oud-y smell, rather, was lighter and felt less obvious in its masculinity. Was Dove Men+Care listening to my inner thoughts?

Bathing in this body wash was like soaking myself in lotion. It lathered into my skin perfectly, gliding along every which curve of my body (there are many these days, thanks, winter pudge!). But instead of over drying like other brands, it did exactly the opposite: it moisturized like no other. It also came in a cool light grey color with awesome microbeads that gave me some exfoliation. I was really into how it seemed to lightly slough away my dead skin cells in the process of cleansing.

Was Dove Men+Care listening to my inner thoughts?

At the end of the week, I felt renewed, as if I found my newfound self. No longer did I feel like a DILF. I was more like a late 20’s self-absorbed millennial who was so obsessed with his own life he couldn’t bear thinking of settling down and sharing himself with a spouse let along babies. Basically, I felt totally like myself. Which is the best review of all. If a product makes you feel like yourself, that’s all you could really ask for.