True Life Archives - Page 3 of 6

4 guys tell their emotional coming out stories

In partnership…

Before barbershops were cool and LGBTQ+ issues were being pushed forward, there was @rudysbarbershop. Since ‘93, this Seattle-based hub has been a proponent for inclusion, helping all people – straight, gay, bi and in between – express themselves through hair. 25 years, a product line, and many barbershops later, Rudy’s is still championing the cause of identity. True to their ‘For Everybody’ roots, Rudy’s supports partners like @itgetsbetterproject and @lalgbtcenter and donates shower products to shelters that serve LGBTQ+ youth.

Ironic puns aside, allow us to get straight to the point here: The LGBTQ experience in today’s America is more fraught than it has been in recent years.

This is thanks to an administration (*not-so-subtle cough* Donald Trump and Kool-Aid drinkers) that has alienated and targeted ethnic minority groups, disabled persons and members of the LBGTQ community, sadly among very many others.

Since this site’s inception, Very Good Light has proudly existed as a digital safe haven for people of all identities to be open and express their truest selves through the lenses of beauty and style. However, in celebration of Coming Out day on October 11, we’re shaking things up a little by launching Coming Out Week. It’s a Week long celebration of important stories all about coming out as an LGBTQ individual.

To kick things off, we reached out to some of the most inspiring men across fashion, editorial, music, YouTube and beyond to share their own coming out stories as part of a week-long initiative of acceptance, love, and positivity – things that everyone could use a little more of in this period of uncertainty. But that’s part of why we’re doing all of this, right? We’re at a point in modern history where it’s more important than ever that we tell these stories and show up (preferably clad in H2T Thom Browne) to the table. Staying silent has never really been our style, anyway.

Below, are five of our friends and their very important, unique coming out stories. Coming out is never easy, but as you can see below, is totally worth it. Here are their stories in their own words …

Everett Williams, blogger, YouTuber and creative figure, @everettwilliams

Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-1.19.19-PM — Photo Courtesy Everett Williams

“High school was the place I really came to terms with who I was as a person. I remember being confused for such a long time about who I was, especially when it came to my sexual orientation. I always knew I wasn’t like the rest of the straight boys at my school; I wasn’t attracted to women in the same way they were. I was, however attracted to men, but I didn’t think of it really in a very sexual way. I thought I was so interested in these guys because I wanted to be friends with them, or I wanted my body to look like theirs, or I wanted the same kind of haircut as them. I soon realized after those were not the only reasons I was thinking the way I was.

I grew up in not a very small town, but if we were measuring population off of the other gay men around me, then it was basically a ghost town. I fought hard to convince myself I wasn’t gay, and for a while that worked. But I wasn’t happy, and more importantly I wasn’t me. I went off to college in New York City to try to escape the ‘issue’ of being gay, and hopefully find new light in a city of complete opportunity. I struggled with being in the closet the first two years of college, and I kick myself for it everyday. Freshman year was a new start offered to me, and I still kept myself locked away in a persona that was not at all me. As junior year came, my life turned completely upside down.

I started [coming out] with my roommate who was basically my brother, so it was of no surprise to him. I told most of my really good friends and let the rest of them put the puzzle together on their own. I was flying home to visit my family for Christmas, and I decided early on that telling my family would have to be done in person – no over the phone sob story crap, so I decided this was the time to do it. The holidays can be a stressful time as well as a great time, but let’s say I was damn stressed. I was sure that my family would support me, but it was more the act of finally completing this overall mess that has drawn on throughout my life. I had so many opportunities planned to tell them, where I would sit them down and do the whole thing, but I still chickened out. Instead, I was actually in the car with my family on the way to dinner when my mother asked, “So are you seeing any girls in NYC?” It was like as if she set it up to be honest! I knew this was the time; I remember telling them, “Things have changed… A LOT. I in fact have been seeing someone…” Before I could even finish, my mother replied with, “So what’s HIS name?” I couldn’t believe it, really, I couldn’t.

I didn’t really know what to say, and so she continued by expressing how she’s my mother and she knows me better than anyone and that she has always wanted to let me come to terms with it before ever putting any pressure on me. My father and sister followed up with letting me know that they would support me in anything, and that sexual preference is the least of any of their concerns. My family acceptance was so important to me in allowing myself to be the person I am; I no longer felt scared or worried, and a huge weight and stress was lifted from my life. I will always treasure that acceptance.

Coming out can be such a scary thing for a lot of people, but the reward of being able to hold your head high and be proud of who you are is a feeling so great that I can’t even begin to express. I’ve learned that people who truly love you will accept you, and if not right at the beginning, they will come around after seeing how beautiful life is now that you are the person you have always wanted to be.”

Noah Silverstein, editor at Marc Jacobs, @noahsilverstein

Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-1.10.04-PM — Photo courtesy Noah Silverstein

“They always say, “it’s darkest before the dawn.” It’s so cliché, but it’s always darkest right before you come to a point of acceptance. It was the beginning of senior year in high school – I was either 16 or 17. [My decision to come out was inspired by] a lot of things. I had gone through basically a year of “what’s wrong with me?” I felt so depressed. I didn’t even feel like a living human being; I felt like an empty vessel, and I think a lot of gay people will say that right before you come to accept and share this part of yourself, you feel like you’re at your lowest point, and that’s what I felt.

A lot of things culminated at this point where I decided that I could talk about it. I remember exactly how it happened; I have a theatre background, I work in fashion, so I guess you could say I have a flair for the dramatic. My whole group of friends were going home from a friend’s house, and I asked my friend – who was and is still my oldest, closest friend – to come into my car with me because I had to tell her something. She definitely knew what I was about to say – I think everyone was waiting, honestly because for the most part, everyone knew what’s going on.
Anyway, I came out to her in the car and we had this whole moment and she was so happy for me. Then I told the rest of my friends. I’m very thankful that I was accepted and no one was surprised. After i came out, I was never physically or directly bullied, attacked or anything. I was thankful that I had a group of friends that were very accepting and supportive. So in that way, my coming out was very easy. At that point, my concept and reference for “coming out” was based only on my [personal] experience. But when I got to college, I realized that not everyone’s experience coming out was as easy as mine was. It concerned me in a way because that’s what made me realize just how gay people aren’t accepted, and how close-minded so much of country is, which unfortunately we’re still talking about today. But in terms of being a gay man, the fashion industry has been very good to us. I never felt like I was professionally ever being judged for my sexuality, and that’s why I think so many gay people join the fashion circus, because it’s such an accepting industry for many kinds of outsiders. It’s definitely a place of refuge for people who feel like they don’t fit in. In that way, fashion has given me, someone’s who’s gay, a place to feel like they belong and can make a contribution, which is the industry’s greatest asset.”

R.J. Hernandez, author, @r.j.hernandez

RJ-Hernandez-An-Innocent-Fashion — Photo courtesy RJ Hernandez

“Growing up Roman Catholic in a Hispanic family, I struggled for years to suppress the thought that I might be gay, believing what many of my family members believed: Gays were sinners, and went to Hell. After struggling for self-acceptance throughout much of my childhood, I eventually understood that who I loved had nothing to do with whether I was a good person, and that other people’s prejudices stemmed from their own ignorance and fear. By the time I was sixteen, my mom and I had an unspoken understanding about my sexuality, but it was the fear of my dad’s reaction that always worried me.

Back then I had wanted to become a politician, and would talk to my dad about current events on the ride to school in the morning. He was a Democrat, but mild-mannered and generally apolitical, while I was brash and opinionated, always riling up conservative teachers and classmates to debate me.

Gay marriage was being hotly debated in the media, so the topic of gay rights sometimes came up between me and my Dad. As a blue-collar Cuban immigrant in a macho profession, the notion of genuine attraction between two men always seemed “off” to him. But he believed that what happened behind closed doors didn’t affect him, and he ultimately didn’t care enough to extend his outright support or condemnation of gay rights. His indifference always irked me, until one day a conversation between us escalated: “Well, what if I was gay?” I burst. “Wouldn’t you care then?”

I remember the silence in the car made the air thick, unbreathable. Dad must have already had his suspicions about me, but neither of us had ever brought up my sexuality overtly. He started, “Does that mean that you’re…?” But he couldn’t finish, and for the first time, I couldn’t speak either. I was afraid I had made a huge mistake—now everything would change. The unbearable silence continued through the next week, during which I was perpetually red-faced, skittish, and on the verge of tears. Finally both my parents cornered me in the kitchen—told me it was okay, that they loved me and would make the effort to understand me. I knew even then that I was lucky—other people had it much worse. My parents promised to support me regardless of who I loved; now, over a decade later, they’ve still kept their promise.”

Timo Weiland, creative director, entrepreneur and DJ, @mr.timoweiland

Screen-Shot-2017-10-07-at-1.19.26-PM — Photo courtesy Timo Weiland

“In college, I had a couple of amazing long term girlfriends who were phenomenal and supportive and open-minded. But towards the end of my senior year, one relationship was ending and I came out as bi. I was in college at Vanderbilt at the time, and when I moved up to New York, continued to explore myself, I guess you could say. I was working at a very stressful job – I was an investment banker on Wall Street – and I was single.

I had a phenomenal group of roommates, but I guess I wasn’t really ‘out’ to them. It wasn’t quite a double life, but it was definitely complicated. One of them in particular asked me, “Why don’t you ever bring anyone home? or “Why do you always go out super late and spend the night out or come home alone?” And then I just came out to him. We were just sitting on the couch. I didn’t know what he was going to say, but he was actually so phenomenally supportive. It was great. We really didn’t miss a beat in the friendship and became even closer [as a result]. [Our relationship] was based on honesty and vulnerability, which were two key factors [for me] in that period, and continue to be in my life. I just felt that if I continued to shy away from it and lie about it, then I just wouldn’t feel good about it.

I met my first boyfriend, I guess you could say, at a Misshapes party – they were doing parties next to my apartment. I had actually met him before when he was a sales associate at Barneys, and it was a really wonderful interaction. He had helped me when I was trying on suits and sweaters; we didn’t exchange information and I didn’t even know his name, and then he happened to be at that party that night. From there, it was multiple years of a not-really-definable relationship, but we were definitely in love.

I came out to my mom in my apartment in the West Village after being with this first guy. At first, she was just a bit scared for my safety and wellbeing. We were coming off of a dark period in the ‘80s and ‘90s for the gay community, so she was scared, and rightfully so. I told my sister that same time. I guess I was most scared to tell my dad, but my sister accidentally told him, and he confronted me about it. Since he had already known from her, I guess it made it easier [for me] since she had kind of ripped the bandaid off. But it was purely an accident!

From there, it was more of an acceptance [of myself], and having the confidence to propel forward to who I am now, and bridging between the creative and finance worlds, and also my love of music, which has fueled my career as a DJ. [It’s important to me to be] multifaceted and not have my sexuality not be the sole aspect of my identity that people acknowledge; it should be a piece of you, but not the only thing people see.

It’s really incredible to see how the world has evolved, and I really admire the people that put up with much more than we put up with decades ago. There’s still a long way to go and the work is never done by any means, but currently now more than ever there’s a threat to that advancement being taken back. We have to all stand together and fight for what’s already been achieved. We can’t get too comfortable. We have to stay woke.”

Eventually, we’ll look at people of all genders who identify as bisexual or queer the same, and they’ll have an easier time coming out. Until then, there are many strides we as a culture need to make.

As a long-time supporter of the LGBTQ community and the It Gets Better Project, Rudy’s has partnered with world-renown artist, public speaker, and author Dallas Clayton to create a line of custom tote bags and stickers supporting Coming Out Day and the LGBTQ community. With every purchase of the custom Baggu tote, sticker sheet and Think About Someone You Love booklet (total cost: $21), Rudy’s will donate $5 to the It Gets Better Project. Our collective hope is to inspire people young and old to celebrate their individuality and this special moment.

What happens when your dad goes missing?

(My dad went missing a couple of weeks ago. Here he is in the local newspaper. Photo courtesy The Gazette)

By the time Christine called me on the phone, it was already too late.

I was in my rental car, an electric Chevy Bolt, feeling all kinds of Angeleno-like, zigzagging through traffic on the 10 West, the speakers blaring some song by Demi Lovato. Liz, my friend from Brooklyn, and I decided to go to Venice Beach – and all was so perfect. That’s when our serene LA day was interrupted by Christine’s unsettling call.

“David,” she said sternly. “Have you heard from your parents?”

It was rather peculiar. Christine rarely, if ever, called.

“No,” I answered. “I haven’t spoken to them all day. What’s up?”

“It’s weird because my mom’s with them, they took a trip to the mountains and no one’s answering their phones.”

They were supposed to be home by 2, she explained. When 7 p.m. came rolling around and they still hadn’t appeared at church, it raised alarm bells.

Odd. Very odd, I thought.

I didn’t think much of it and told Christine I’d call her back. That’s when, in a matter of a few minutes, I found my world spinning out of control. Neither of my parents picked up their phones and when I called my sister in Columbia, South Carolina, she hadn’t gotten a hold of them either. Strange behavior, I thought. At least one of my parents always called us back.

By the time we got to Little Tokyo, Christine had given me an update.

“We found my mom!” she said with a relief. I let out a big sigh as well.

“SO crazy! I’m so glad they’re all safe.”

I had spoken too soon. My mom was fine, but it turned out my dad was missing.

“What do you mean, missing?!”

As Christine explained, when the three of them were supposed to meet back at my dad’s SUV around 2 p.m., he never appeared. They sojourned into the mountains to go on their annual mushroom foraging adventure, a common Colorado pastime for this time of year, somewhere between the Sangre de Cristo and Wet Mountains. The mountains are the southernmost subrange of the Rockies and said to be treacherous, steep territory, a place where there are at least 25 missing hikers every year. From 2010-2016, there were 46 known deaths by hikers, campers and people like my parents, “shroomers,” who go into the mountains to forage wild and rare mushrooms.

In a 2014 article in the Wet Mountain Tribune, Mushroom Season is one of the most common times for people to go missing. A co-captain for the county said that these foragers are so concentrated on the ground, “when they finally look up, they haven’t got a clue where they are or how they got there.”

Not coming to any conclusions, I took a deep breath.

It’s interesting what fear makes you do. One, is go into a deep denial, allowing you to go into self-preservation mode.

I called the Custer County sheriff’s department to no avail. It was past 5 p.m. and the small county’s department was already closed. Local police departments were no help as the area my dad went missing was out of their jurisdiction. Still, I frantically left dozens of messages pleading for someone to get back to me.

It’s interesting what fear makes you do. One, is go into a deep denial, allowing you to go into self-preservation mode. I decided to meet my friends for dinner in order to find some semblance of normalcy. To make everything go away.

As we had Korean food, silence in between the metal chopsticks clanking on our bowls, the rice and beef causing indigestion, I kept looking closely at my phone. Mom, dad, please call, I said as if telepathically sending them a message. Please call soon. Please call now. Just … please.

I excused myself to the bathroom to collect my thoughts. It was all too much. I couldn’t help but look around and find many families together, their dads sharing stories, children rolling their eyes, laughing at dad’s dad jokes, wondering how nice that must feel. To be normal. To be without worry. It became all too much. While the world was still alive and functioning, mine was crumbling before me. Would I ever see my dad again?

Quickly after dinner, the sheriff called back.

“It’s a really rugged area,” he explained. “Steep terrain and there are also wild animals. I don’t want to alarm you but we’re going to send out our team of search and rescue. Finding him is like finding a needle in a haystack. And we can’t do anything until daylight around 5:30. Don’t worry too much. They’re the best in the country. I’ll give you updates if we get any.”

Should I pack up my stuff and head to Colorado? I asked. “I wouldn’t until 24 hours later,” he replied. “When that time comes, I’d highly suggest you get here. That’s when we’ll know it’s serious…”

That news shattered me completely and while I was busy picking up the shards of my heart everywhere, I still had to keep it together for my older sister. By that time, it was midnight in the east coast and understandably worried, she wasn’t still up.

“What do you mean they’re not going to send anyone until 5 a.m.?” she asked over the phone, her voice shaking, cracking. “What about dad? He’s alone out there and it must be cold. Why aren’t they helping him?”

For someone who always had an answer to everything, who had always been the encouraging one with positive mantras to share, I found myself with absolutely nothing to tell her. There were no words of comfort, just uncertainty.

I’ve often wondered how a person is supposed to react in the midst of utter hopelessness. Are they supposed to be crippled with fear, becoming a victim of the unknown, go into deep denial or the opposite: cling onto hope for dear life?

Understandably, I couldn’t sleep that night. I felt too guilty. Scenarios began playing through my mind. I imagined my dad in the Colorado darkness, meandering through the wild, the cold creeping into his bones, the wolves howling at the moon. Was he scared? Was he injured? Was he calling out for help? Was he calling out for us? Was he thinking we had given up on him? Was he hopeless or did he choose to be hopeful?

The sun came up when I opened my eyes and I rolled over to look at my phone. No calls. I quickly called the sheriff’s office for an update. At this point, it was about 6 a.m. and search and rescue was already dispatched. My sister and her husband decided to take the first plane out of Columbia and help my mother find my father. I’d find out later, but she was there in the mountains all night, setting up camp, searching tirelessly for her devoted husband.

A few hours went by and still no word. I buried myself deep in work and started typing away on Very Good Light, finding solace in the stories I was editing. It was self-preservation and utter denial but again, I was desperate for any semblance of normalcy. I looked briefly at my phone. Four hours until that 24 hour deadline to find my dad.

Time was running out.

As I made a couple more calls there was still no word. With now an hour to go before we had to call it quits, I sat there, stunned, crippled by anxiety. Come on dad, you can do this…come back to us, I whispered.

Before 11 a.m. hit, I received a phone call.

“Is this David?” a woman on the other line asked.

“Yes…”

“We found your dad. He’s alive.”

My phone dropped out of my hands and I couldn’t help but weep. All of that pent up emotion was released, the brackish tears stinging my sanguine face. The relief rushing over me like a tsunami.

I immediately called my sister who had just landed in Denver, to tell her the news. Both exhausted, we began sobbing out of deep gratitude to the universe, to God. Gratitude that he was alive, that we’d be able to see him again, that all hope was restored.

Days later, my dad opened up about what had happened. Search and rescue would have never found him, he said. They went west when he went east. As my dad will recall, his leg was sprained from a fall and he had limited mobility to climb back over the mountain. He’d lost his way after foraging his mushrooms. Time and place become intertwined when you’re deep in the mountains, and he became disoriented after being far from the group.

As night crept by, he set up camp on a flat boulder, where, in nothing but a polo and shorts, he sat, helpless, shivering, the only thing he could hear in the deafening silence, his chattering teeth. He figured he didn’t have any option but to wait until the sun came back up. Running out of supplies, he came to a horrifying conclusion: If he didn’t find help in the next few hours, he’d be dead. Fear isn’t what drove him to survive. It was hope. He could die, or live. He chose the latter.

When sunrise came, the warmth flushing back into his bloodstream, he traced back his steps. He thought through how he lost his way. Going back to his Korean army days, he was able to locate North, South, East and West. To get back, he’d have to venture West. With only one working leg, he crawled his way up the mountain, inch by inch. After making it up a trail for three hours, he oriented himself and realized he finally knew where he was.

The only problem was getting up the next steep hill. Running out of time, he sat there, catching his breath, hopeful. Just then, he spotted a woman, foraging for mushrooms at the crack of dawn. He asked her for water and a little food. Miraculously, she was Korean as well and offered him something better: Korean rice cakes. She later drove him back to his car, where he was finally discovered by authorities. There, he reunited with my mom, who thought she had seen a ghost. Certainly, she thought, she’d become a widow. All of this was a surprise. All of this wasn’t supposed to happen. Grief-stricken, they embraced, their bond stronger than ever.

Weeks later, we’re very fortunate we can laugh about this ordeal. Though the most harrowing and heartbreaking 24 hours of my entire life, it was also one where I’ve learned so much about the human condition. We are more resilient than we think. We are more powerful than we imagined. We love harder in the midst of fear. And only when we cling onto hope, rather than hopelessness, is when we not only survive, but thrive. Let’s keep that hope close to our chests, protect it, and keep it alive.

Here’s how to prepare for the Fuckboy Apocalypse

(Photo composite by Jesse Tovar/Very Good Light)

When fuckboy (or in many other iterations, fuqboi, fuccboi) was first coined in what some say in the early 2000’s, we all underestimated how these sad excuses for “manly” behavior would continue to fester and grow over the years.

With the advent of dating apps, these fuckboys got all that they needed to be on their best worst behavior at all times. We are now in the advent of the Fuckboy Apocalypse and it’s now time to take matters in to our own hands.

To define ‘fuckboy’ let’s take a look at the roots of the term and how it actually came about and became a part of everyday vernacular. Rapper Cam’ron (who rocked this iconic look at the 2002 Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week) is believed to first dropped usage of the word in his song “Boy, Boy”:

“Oh this cat over front? Fuck boy, boy

He keep that shit up..fucking drop boy, boy”

Since then, the term has spiraled with countless Urban Dictionary posts seeking to describe the term, but sometimes the best description is the most open-ended: “fuckboys come in all shapes and sizes and results may vary but when he a fuckboy…he a fuckboy…and u will know.” In what a Swathmore College article so eloquently described it as, a fuckboy is simply “a douchey guy who’s self-aware of his noncommittal behavior.” A classic archetype: a try hard guy wearing his snapbacks, his ripped skinny jeans, his fake Yeezys while taking thirst traps for his Instagram. BEWARE.

Over the years, all kinds of fuckboys have been coming out of the woodworks and odds are they’ve affected you or a loved one. No need to run and take cover or unfollow completely, simply being yourself will destroy them for good. With so much talk about fuckboys over the years, we’re combatting these guys with fool-proof lewks in case you ever face the fuckboy in your life head-on. Here’s how you come out on top with every kind of fuckboy should they appear.

The ‘Keeping It Casual’ Fuckboy

(Photo by David Yi/Very Good Light)

He’ll never spend the night and you can bet on waiting a couple hours before he responds to your texts. Odds are he’s likely talking at least 5 other people while he’s talking to you, and is definitely not deleting his dating apps anytime soon. Labels are his kryptonite.

Grab your highlighter and glow up all on your own. Guaranteed to boost your confidence and make you shine from the inside out with the Milk Makeup Highlighting Holographic Powder ($30), Make Beauty Dew Pot ($20), Glossier Haloscope ($22) or our new favorite Fenty Beauty Kilowatt Free Style Highlighter ($34), see it in action here.

The ‘Benching’ Fuckboy

He’ll never miss leg day but will leave your texts unresponded to and on read until he’s ready to take you off the bench. Thinks his time is more valuable than La Mer products (hint: it’s not).

Get that fresh-from-the-gym flushed look with cheeks no one would dare call rosy. Rub on the Make Beauty Universal Stick ($24) for a sun-kissed pop of color or try on the Glossier Cloud Paint ($18) in Dusk for a sunset worthy face.

The ‘Zombie’ Fuckboy

(Photo by David Yi/Very Good Light)

Some fuckboys should just stay dead, but this type of breed can’t resist crawling back from the grave and booty calling you in the dark hours of the night–like 3 a.m. on a Saturday after the club.

Send him cowering back to the cemetery with eyebrows that can’t be messed with. Fill in and set your brows in place with NYX Tinted Brow Mascara ($7), Glossier Boy Brow ($16), or Make Beauty Sculpting Lash & Brow Gel ($25) and give him the raised eyebrow of death.

The ‘Loose Lips’ Fuckboy

(Photo by David Yi/Very Good Light)

Grab your balm of choice and tell him to step his game up or show himself out. Pucker up with Rosebud Perfume Co. Rosebud Salve ($6), Make Beauty Marine Salve ($12), or Fresh Sugar Lip Treatment ($24).

The ‘Phantom’ Fuckboy

(Photo by David Yi/Very Good Light)

The fuckboy of all fuckboys, these will enter your life like a wrecking ball (no thank you Miley) and leave without a trace – or reason. Tell-tale signs include one-worded responses that lead to full on ghosting.

If you’re blindsided and realize the person you’ve been seeing was a hidden fuckboy all along, cry it out. No matter how ugly the tears, you can de-puff those eyes with Milk Makeup Cooling Water ($24), Jack Black Eye Balm De-Puffing & Cooling Gel ($25), or Kiehl’s Facial Fuel Eye De-Puffer ($20).

The ‘Fuck You’ Fuckboy

(Photo by Carolyn Teston/Very Good Light)

And when you’ve had enough and are ready to cut the negativity fuckboys bring out of your life entirely, head to your top shelf and grab…nothing. Because all you really need is yourself, no products required.

I’m a grown man and still don’t know how to pack

How do you fit everything in a small bag? (Photo by David Yi/Very Good Light)

Packing: It’s complicated.

Sometimes you want to go off on an adventure with nothing but the clothes on your back then you realize that lol, that’s disgusting. Unfortunately, packing is a necessary evil, like Nutella.

I’m as terrible at packing as I am eating healthy things. Packing is like, the biggest chore, worse than doing dishes, walking your dog or cleaning your bathtub. An act so debilitating I can’t actually do anything while in the middle of it. Instead, I find myself just sitting there, staring at my luggage, thinking so hard about what I’d rather be doing than packing (like guzzling a jar of Nutella), that I usually end up with a total of 12 minutes to do so before missing my flight.

The new stuffing.

Things get even more complicated, of course, when you’re a beauty editor. Not only do you have to pack things called clothes, you also have to plan ahead on what products you need for what occasion, weather, specific people you’ll encounter. The list goes on and on. Like, is the trip going to be mostly lounging by a pool? Do I need to bring a concealer for daytime activities? Does the week involve dinners with important people where I have to do my brows and maybe use some light contouring or full-on Kim K contouring? How about skincare, then? Do I have time or capacity or space in my luggage to pack in 9 products? How about masks?

(Insert aggressive sigh here!)

You can imagine my anxiety when I realized I was going off on a week journey to Philadelphia with Buick driving the brand’s Encore SUV (in-car wifi, WHAT??!), for the annual Asian American Journalist Association’s convention. Knowing that I’d be hotel living for an entire week, I realized that I couldn’t bring all 70 of my products with me. Instead, I only had room for 14 items in my dopp kit. I chose ~only~ the essentials to stuff into my leather bag. Here’s my logic behind packing for a week-long trip.

(As a side note, and this is obviously #notsponsored but REAL thoughts: Can I just say how impressed I am with Buick and GM in general? I was taken aback by how the entire company has an entire diversity division that seeks to empower disenfranchised communities. They even sponsored the AAJA convention, something that’s near and dear to me. Not only are they providing diverse groups with the means to put on important conventions like AAJA, they are continuing to learn about how they can become better allies. It’s rare to see big corporations care about diverse communities, especially the Asian American demographic, but Buick and GM are making it a priority to reach out and put their money to good use. So huge shout out to brands that see the importance of supporting communities of color. Props to you, Buick/GM! Literally, ALL GOOD KARMA TO YOU!)

Skincare

(Hanskin toner, Dr Jart+ cleanser, CosRX Snail Mucin essence, Skin Inc Vitamin C essence)

I thought about what I’d need for a solid morning and night routine. For this, I chose my Dr. Jart+ Dermaclear Micro Gel Cleanser, which is gentle on my skin but totally effective as a makeup remover. Then, I packed Hanskin’s toner, which has 1000 times more moisture than water. It’s supposed to have some version of hyaluronic acid that’s smaller in molecules than any regular kind, which goes deeper into your skin. Perfect for air-conditioned rooms, I figured.

(The Face Shop sheet mask, CosRX Triple C Lightning Liquid, Sisley exfoliator, J.One Jelly Pack, Tatcha Essence)

I brought CosRX’s Snail Mucin as well, a formula with 96% snail secretion filtrate. It’s an essence with ~real~ snail, that helps the skin replenish itself. It’s super sticky, yes, but in the morning your skin is baby booty soft. Tatcha also has an amazing brightening serum that gives you a radiant glow the day after. It’s not super hydrating but it’s still awesome for when your skin is looking extra dull and ry.

For nights, I a light Vitamin C essence could undo sun damage, which is why I packed in Skin Inc’s own version. It has Vitamin C and E beads that melt into your pores. For days where I’m exposed to more sun, I need something more potent. I brought Soko Glam’s collaboration with CosRX called the Triple C Lightning Liquid. It’s ~super~ fresh and will last you probably a week before it turns from clear to orange, a sign that it’s not as effective.

Next was Sisley’s Buff and Wash facial gel. I’ve been testing it for a while and I’m not the ~biggest~ fan, but it’s a decent exfoliator if you need a physical one. I brought it along to test and realize that for the price, I’d definitely skip! Finally, the last item for skincare was a moisturizer (not seen in the photo) from Fresh’s line, called the Peony Brightening Moisture Face Cream. It’s light, super moisturizing and allows the pores to glow for 24 hours.

Makeup

(Sulwhasoo compact, Milk Makeup Oil Stick, Real Techniques beauty blender, Make Beauty brow gel, Koh Gen Doh concealer)

For the convention, I didn’t think a full face of makeup for any of the panels or networking sessions was necessary. I left my contour sticks, eyeliner and lip tints at home and instead, brought a very good cushion compact from Sulwhasoo. Cushion compacts have been super popular in Seoul for a while now and for good reason. It’s like a BB cream with its SPF 50+, plenty of moisturizing elements like apricot kernel oil, which promotes collagen formation, and something called Jaumdan Water, which allows for hydration. For that dewy look, this is perfection. It’ll give you coverage that looks super natural while actually protecting the skin.

I tend to breakout for the most outrageous reasons, like eating pizza at midnight or Nutella sandwiches in the middle of the night. If I need to conceal said angry breakouts, I need something thicker than my cushion compact. Koh Gen Do’s Maifanshi concealer helps my under eyes and blemishes go away. Before putting it into my skin, I’ll use an excellent primer from J.One called Jelly Pack. It minimizes pores, tightens the skin but is also super sticky to hold onto your makeup. I’d probably say it’s my favorite primer at the moment. Of course, you absolutely need to blend the product in so brought two blenders from Real Techniques. One is a mini for your eyes and the other one if a normal-sized one with a flat in to better blend. I’ll bring a Make Beauty Brow gel to keep my bushy friends in place and Milk Makeup’s Hydrating Oil Stick in case I get a little dry in those air conditioned conference rooms throughout the day. Voila! Packing complete.

So was my packing successful? I’d say so. I think I was pretty thorough with my packing choices, though I wish I did bring just a little more cosmetics. At the end of the week, my skin looked pretty good, stayed hydrated and healthy. But a monogamous beauty user I am not. And at the end of the week, I was itching for other products to use. Thankfully, this trip was only a week. I don’t even want to think about what would happen on longer trips, like my month-long journey to Seoul later next month. I’m already dry heaving with anxiety. I’ll be opening a Venmo account just for a Nutella Fund. Send help. Now.

I’m a transgender guy and sex education is failing me.

Sex. You think about it. We think about it. We all obsess over it. It’s a part of our identity, culture and self-esteem. But when it comes to guys – especially young guys – why aren’t there more resources out there? Where do we turn to when we want to learn about our own bodies, safety and pleasure? Introducing our first-ever Sex Week, a week-long celebration on everything and anything sex. We’ll talk about different perspectives, what sex means to guys and why we don’t talk about it more. It’s all confusing, yes. So let’s talk about it more and normalize the conversation.

(Illustration by Joshua Lin/Very Good Light)

I experienced sex-ed for the first time this year, and I must say that my experience, along with that of trans people across the country, is one that can be greatly approved upon.

While what I say in this post is based on my experience at my school, it is important to note that the experience described is similar to the ones described by many of my trans friends. This post is not challenging cisnormativity in one school or one class, but as a whole. I ask that you think about the below in general terms, and as a reflection of our society, not solely my school or my sex-ed class.

What is it like to sit in a room and hear my anatomy referred to as ‘female’ seven times in a row? When my school hands out sheets that say ‘Female’ and have a picture of a vulva, ovaries, and a vagina, how can I not feel like my experience is incorrect? When I look at a sheet depicting anatomy labeled as ‘Male’ that doesn’t match what I know as a man, how can it not affect how I see myself? Why do the teachers at my school think it’s okay to mention transgender people as a caveat at the beginning of the class, then belittle our existence through cisnormative language for the next hour?

Our genitalia is seen as an appropriate subject of conversation, and for some reason people believe it plays into our validity as human beings.

During my school’s sexual education class, I learned a lot. I learned about STIs, I learned about various methods of contraception. I also learned that I’m an outsider. I learned that educators find it a chore to accommodate the trans people in the room.

When I confronted my teachers on their use of ‘female’ and ‘male’ anatomy I was told my frustration was an overreaction. I was told that I was only sensitive because it’s the first time I’d been through a sex-ed class since coming out. I was met by people who thought they had a better grasp on my feelings towards their teaching than I did. I’m tired of people who think doing what’s necessary to seem inclusive is enough.  When we talk about trans lives, and trans bodies so often they are seen as exceptions to the norm.

No matter what genitals I have, my body is male. I am male.

Our genitalia is seen as an appropriate subject of conversation, and for some reason people believe it plays into our validity as human beings. No matter what genitals I have, my body is male. I am male. I have and always will be male.

There was a moment during our first sex-ed class where we were asked to raise our hand if we could correctly label anything on the anatomy of the ‘opposite sex’, a challenge that is structured in the falsehoods of binary gender and cisnormative culture. What anatomy am I supposed to label? There is nothing “opposite” about my vagina in relation to my male experience. Nor anything “opposite” about my male identity while not having a penis. Penises are not the genitalia of men, they are simply penises, and as such they can belong to anyone. I want to claim my vagina as male anatomy, because that is my true experience and therefore a valid experience.

Genitals do not have genders. I give no one permission to gender my genitals. Genitals exist on their own, without any labels attached, but have been given roles in society based on cisnormative culture, which has worked its way into our society, our classrooms, and our understanding of others and their bodies.

Genitals do not have genders. I give no one permission to gender my genitals.

I have every right to be worked up about the cisnormative ignorance and closed-minded teaching I experienced during sex-ed these past few months, because it was based in falsehoods and in an ideology that erases my existence.

Trans people exist.

Our bodies exist.

Intersex people exist.

Teaching to the cisgender students and not to the rest of us is harmful. By doing so teachers are denying their cisgender students the opportunity to understand the nuances, complexities, and errors in gender as we know it. Teachers are indirectly challenging the existence of some of the students in their class, and it is going unchallenged because it has been that way for so long.

I’m tired of having my identity accepted as a caveat, or having to accept dysphoria as a consequence of cisnormative teaching. (I’m also tired of having to explain dysphoria, but that’s another story.) My experience and that of every trans person is just as valid.

We are not exceptions.

We are people.

We need to talk about sexually transmitted infections.

(Photo courtesy Pexel)

Despite the fact that teens and young adults make up only 27% of the sexually active population, those under 25 account for 50% of the STIs in the U.S.

That’s half the STIs from less than one third of people having sex. I’m not a math expert, but those numbers don’t look good. The disproportionate amount of STIs reflects the fact that teens are actually getting less sex education in schools than they did 10 years ago. Because of this, teens may not be getting adequate information on the subject and could be too scared to ask for info elsewhere.

While we are 100% behind getting rid of the stigma surrounding STIs, we are also advocates of protecting your self and all your partners from the spread of infection. While many STIs have no symptoms, others can lead to long term health issues so it is crucial to be cautious.

What is an STI?

According to the Center of Disease Control, an STI is a sexually transmitted infection, also referred to as STDs, or sexually transmitted diseases. STIs include herpes, chlamydia, HIV and gonorrhea among others. STIs are transmitted through oral, anal and vaginal sex, as well as skin to skin contact. Some STIs can lead to long term health issues such as cancer, HIV, or issues with fertility in women.

Why are young people so at risk?

We spoke to Durex about why young people are so much more at risk. One reason is because they are not being tested enough. Young people are nervous about being open with their doctors or their parents and therefore will be reluctant to get tested. A lack of transportation and insurance is also an issue for those who want to keep their sex lives secret from their parents. Teens are also more likely to have multiple partners, which encourages STIs to spread if they go untreated. Condom use among high schoolers is at a decline nationally, which also increases the risk of STIs.

How do I know if I have one?

The recent increase in STIs can be blamed on the fact that people often do not know they have one as many don’t show any symptoms, especially in men. According to Durex, of the 570,000 estimated total new infections of gonorrhea, only 200,000 are diagnosed or reported. That being said, it is crucial to get tested regularly, especially if you are not in a monogamous relationship in order to protect yourself and prevent the STI from spreading to your partners. Symptoms vary depending on the STI if you experience sores on your genitals or mouth, nausea, or painful urination it would be a good idea to contact your doctor and get tested.

What do I do if have one?

If you test positive for an STI, first of all remain calm. There is a huge stigma attached to STIs, however according to the American Health Association, 1 in 2 sexually active people under 25 in the US will get one, so there is no need to feel alone or ashamed. For STIs such as chlamydia and gonorrhea your doctor will prescribe medication to cure the infection, while others such as Herpes will not be cured but you can take medication to manage the symptoms. It is important to talk to your previous or current partners so they can get tested as well, and refrain from having sex until you have been treated.

How do I protect myself/ my partners?

There are really two ways to best protect yourself and any partners from STIs. Planned Parenthood suggests being tested regularly, especially after having sex with a new partner. Many STIs don’t have symptoms, so it is important to get tested to ensure you don’t pass it on. You can locate where you can be tested for STIs here. Secondly, use a condom to protect yourself and prevent the spreading of STDs, even if you aren’t worried about preventing pregnancy. The only way to be 100% protected is to abstain from sex at all, but if you get tested frequently, use protection and keep an open dialogue with your partners, your risk of being infected is drastically reduced.

For more information see the CDC website or Planned Parenthood.

This is what guys really think about when it comes to sex

Insert a cliche “let’s talk about sex, baby,” reference here.

Whether you’re straight, gay or anything in between, sex is a controversial topic. Not only are there mixed messages coming from all angles, there’s also extreme pressure to “do it,” whatever that definition may be. And there’s no happy medium – you just can’t win. Too little sex and too much sex both have negative stigmas. So what’s a guy to do?

Let’s talk about it.

When it comes to guys, there’s definitely pressure that’s never talked about. It seems that guys are “just supposed to know”or be sexual experts from the womb. But the reality is, sex can be scary and worse when societal expectations get thrown into the mix that can elevate the confusion and frustration.

Whether you’ve had these open conversations with your friends, family or not, it’s important to know that you’re not alone in your anxieties. Chances are, every thought you’ve had about sex has been thought by someone else.

To prove it to you, we spoke to 7 ~real guys~ to get their thoughts on how we view sex, the things that scare them, and the questions they still have.

Max, 21, straight, New York, Fashion Institute of Technology

Do you feel pressure to have sex? Do you feel society pressures young men to have sex at a young age?

I think there is a sort of pressure to have sex and to always be sexually willing, especially in young men. Western pop culture has definitely portrayed male libido as this always present burning desire and that men should be continuously wanting sex. I think this causes a lot of men to feel ashamed or stressed about the fact that they may not always be interested in sex. As far as societal pressure to engage in sexual activity at such a young age, I don’t find that to be such a large issue. I first had sex at 16, and yes in hindsight it does feel like a young age to me, I have no regrets or qualms with being sexually active at that age. As long as people are well educated in the emotional and physical consequences of sex, good or bad, and have a strong understanding of consent, it seems only natural.

What do you wish you knew more about?

I’m not claiming to know everything, but if a sex expert walked into the room right now I can’t say I would have anything to ask them.

How casually do you view or perceive sex?

In my mind sex is both a casual and deeply powerful experience. No sex is ever the same.

What’s the scariest/most fearful part about sex for you?

As I have been in a long-term monogamous relationship, I really don’t fear much about sex, but sexually transmitted diseases are quite frightening, especially if you are sexually active with many partners.

Do you feel you’re open about your own sex life or is there still stigmas or shame when it comes to that?

For the most part I find myself comfortable with my sexuality, and don’t fear societal pressure about any kinks or interests. When it comes to sex, there is no such thing as “normal”, and that’s really amazing and a real shame that people don’t feel confident in themselves to explore these pleasures.

Jordan, 18, gay, Florida, Yale University

Do you feel pressure to have sex? Do you feel society pressures young men to have sex at a young age?

I do think that there is pressure for straight men to become sexually active early, as if sex somehow marks their transition from a boy to a man. I think this coincides with the ways that society and pop culture objectifies women and makes them into sexual objects, and men are expected to have sex with women to fulfill their social role. As a gay man, and I speak only from my experience, I noticed that as I began coming out to more people, I felt this pressure decline, and in fact I feel as if there is almost an unspoken desire for me to not be sexually active, and I believe this stems from the way that most of society, even those who support queer equality, still seem to view sex between two men as being “disgusting” and as an unpleasant thought.

What do you wish you knew more about?

In terms of sex I do think I know most of what’s going on there so…The meaning of life? Are we alone in the universe? How did Trump manage to get himself in office?

How casually do you view or perceive sex?

I view sex more casually than I would say the average person does. I’d like to be able to at least consider myself friends with someone before engaging in any sexual acts with them, but I don’t feel as if romantic feelings are necessary.

What’s the scariest/most fearful part about sex for you ?

As a gay guy, STIs are definitely my primary concern in terms of sex as the rate of STIs among queer men is far higher than that of the straight people.

Do you feel you’re open about your own sex life or are there still stigmas or shame when it comes to that?

I’m pretty open about my sex life, and while I do feel as though some people criticize me, I’ve genuinely grown to just not care and just live my life.

Christian, 22, Gay, New York, Actor

Do you feel pressure to have sex? Do you feel society pressures young men to have sex at a young age? Why or why not?

As a young gay man, a lot of the channels for meeting other gay men are unfortunately pretty strictly sexual (i.e. Grindr). With that in mind, it’s not so much pressure to have sex as it is pressure to have meaningless sex. We live in a society that isn’t structured on a deep sense of emotionally vulnerable interpersonal connectivity, so I’d say that, coupled with the commoditization of sex, becomes pressure to have sex that isn’t the sex you want or need. I alsothink that because sex is so paradoxically taboo and simultaneously plastered on every billboard and every website, that a lot of young people see it as an effective channel to self validation without understanding the personal, interpersonal and potentially health related consequences.

What do you wish you knew more about?

Before I was sexually active, I honestly wish I knew that sex could be beautiful. You always have this idea in your head that sex can be with someone that you love, but when you’re young and gay and the only vantage point you have for what gay sex is is porn, you begin to internalize a lot of the viewpoints presented there as opposed to forging a meaningful connection with someone.

How casually do you view or perceive sex?

Personally, I’m not incredibly casual about it. I think that a fair amount of that stems from feelings of self-consciousness and insecurity.

What’s the scariest/most fearful part about sex for you?

Body image has definitely been a hard one for me. Growing up and seeing these perfectly sculpted men or these twiggy twinks, I look at a body like mine and have had a hard time finding how I find into the picture. I’ve gotten better about understanding and finding beauty in my body, but its still something that I certainly feel self-conscious about.

Do you feel you’re open about your own sex life or is there still stigmas or shame when it comes to that?

I’m currently in the process of bridging the gap between my intellectual vs. emotional understanding of my sex life. Intellectually, I understand that the shame is second hand and that there’s no reason to be ashamed, but through lived experience and societal and cultural messages, I have to learn to soothe those wounds and misconceptions in order to have a more harmonious relationship with my sexuality.

Chase, 18, straight, New Jersey, Princeton Day School

Do you feel pressure to have sex? Do you feel society pressures young men to have sex at a young age?

I used to feel pressured, but now I’m not because I’m not a virgin anymore. Basically the entirety of my high school experience involved being pressured to have sex. As a teenager trying to find my own identity, I sought out acceptance, and one way to be accepted was to have more “bodies” or have more sex than your peers.

What do you wish you knew more about?

I wish I could understand why society perceives sex the way it does. Why is that those who don’t have sex are viewed as lame?

How casually do you view or perceive sex?

I’m very confused when it comes to having sex casually. I see my body as temple, and I can’t just invite anybody to my temple. I also feel that one shouldn’t wait until marriage to have sex either. You need to live.

What’s the scariest/ most fearful part about sex for you?

Currently the most fearful thing for me is a pregnancy scare. I’m in a monogamous relationship, so I’m not too worried about STDs/STIs. Having a baby right now would put the 3 us in a terrible situation, I probably wouldn’t be able to college. Also we wouldn’t be financially independent, and we would be constantly relying on our parents to financially support us.

Do you feel you’re open about your own sex life or are there still stigmas or shame when it comes to that?

I’m pretty open about my sex life with people I know. There aren’t any stigmas that prevent me from doing so, I’m allowed to be as open as possible without feeling awkward.

Liam, 21, gay, New York, Fashion Institute of Technology

Do you feel pressure to have sex? Do you feel society pressures young men to have sex at a young age?

No, I never felt pressure. If anything, my sexual curiosity was discouraged at a young age. Society as a whole sends a lot of mixed messages to young men… everything is sexualized, particularly women, but then schools preach abstinence. As a kid I got the impression that sex for pleasure was a bad thing, almost like doing drugs, but simultaneously I was seeing sexual images in the media. It’s confusing.

What do you wish you knew more about?

I wish that all of my sex education could have been open and honest. I was lucky enough to get a progressive sex education at my church, but I can’t say the same for my school. At church we had open conversations about masturbation, gay sex, bisexuality, contraception, STDs… everything under the sun. Unfortunately, the cookie-cutter sex education from my school stuck with me more because it was hammered into our brains.

How casually do you view or perceive sex?

Sex can be casual, but for myself, sex is an intimate thing. I’ve always been open to seeing sex as a casual activity, mostly because the majority of gay men see it that way, but it’s never been in my nature.

What’s the scariest/most fearful part about sex for you?

Diseases, illnesses, whatever you want to call it. When you’re intimate with someone you can catch all kinds of things – not just traditional ‘sexually transmitted’ things. I’ve learned to be extremely careful.

Do you feel you’re open about your own sex life or are there still stigmas or shame when it comes to that?

I’m comfortable with being open about my sex life, but stigmas are alive and well. There is a great deal of shame surrounding gay sex, specifically sex between men. And even more specifically, gay men who are the receiving partner… it’s seen as ‘emasculation.’ It hasn’t been easy, but peeling back these layers of shame has brought me to a better, more open place. ‘Emasculation’ is bullshit, therefore I’m not threatened by it.

David, 18, straight, New Jersey, Kean University

Do you feel pressure to have sex? Do you feel society pressures young men to have sex at a young age?

Now that I’m 18 years old and have experienced sex I think there is still a strong presence of pressure to try and have sex as much as possible to boost my own ego, but also for my friends to look at me and say “oh he’s the man, oh look he got with her and her.” I was pushed to start pursuing sex at a young age because I hung out with my older cousins a lot and they would talk to me about sex and I felt out of the loop, so I began to explore it more. I think nowadays with social media, TV, movies, and celebrities we look up to sex is being pushed to us at younger and younger ages, and I personally don’t like that. I think theres a time for everything and kids should just be kids. I was forced to mature a lot quicker than many of my peers because of the things I lived and experienced, from my family but also from growing up in Trenton, and I sometimes wish I would have had more time to just be a kid.

What do you wish you knew more about?

I think as I’ve grown older I’ve come in contact with more ways to be safe about sex that I wish I had learned earlier in life.

How casually do you view or perceive sex?

For me sex is not really a big deal. I guess it has to do with the fact that I began having sex at an early age and I never viewed it much more than an activity that provides pleasure. I know a lot of friends that view sex as sacred and something that is very private, to me I think of sex as just another thing, and personally I don’t need sex to be happy, I focus on a person’s mind and personality rather than their body. I do not need sex in a relationship, I do not view sex as an essential aspect of my life, where it would be the only thing I look for, or as something that I expect. I am also very understanding on how my view on sex can frighten people or make people look at me weird because growing up in a catholic household I was raised to believe sex is only for the person you
marry and you must wait till marriage, but in my personal view sex is not such a holy thing as I was raised to believe.

What’s the scariest/most fearful part about sex for you?

For me at this age the scariest aspect or consequences that could arise is the idea of getting my partner pregnant. What scares me the most about this is having a child at this age, in the future I do want kids but I want to be financially stable and be able to provide for my kids in all aspects, financially, emotionally, physically be able to be there for them. I do not want to bring a child into this world until I know I can provide for it, I do not want to bring a new human into a life of poverty and into a world like Trenton filled with crime, drugs, gangs, and violence. I have had pregnancy scares before with some of my previous partners and it has been the most terrifying moment of my life.

Do you feel you’re open about your own sex life or are there still stigmas or shame when it comes to that?

I personally am very open about my sex life and my sexual history and I have had some shaming from friends and people about what I have done. It scares girls to know about my sexual history and my views on sex, it has been a big point of fear and distrust in me. I get viewed as a man whore, excuse my French, and that really is the deal breaker for a lot of women. It bothers me when what I have done sexually in my past is such a big topic in the present, because the fact that I am very honest about my sex life is a way for me to try and build trust, I like to be a real down to earth person, and although there is a lot of judgement that comes along with that I think being open and honest about my sex life is the best way for me to live my life.

Ian, 21, gay, New York, Fashion Designer

Do you feel pressure to have sex? Do you feel society pressures young men to have sex at a young age? Why or why not?

I don’t feel pressured to have sex. Sex for me happened very organically. I came out when I was 12 and I think being so young left a lot of time for me to explore intimacy on my own terms. The majority of people I grew up with couldn’t relate to my experience as a gay teen so there wasn’t that sense of competition or pressure young men feel to have sex.

What do you wish you knew more about?

Truthfully, I wish I knew more about STDs. There is such stigma associated with them and I wish I had a better understanding of what they all mean and how to properly and effectively discuss/treat them.

How casually do you view or perceive sex?

Personally, I don’t perceive sex casually. I think that being young and living in New York City has made me a lot more comfortable and confident talking about it. The gay community is rooted in ‘hook-up’ culture which is fueled by dozens of LGBT dating/hook up apps that create a nonchalant vibe around sex. Personally, I’ve used those apps, and you can be as casual or deliberate as you want about sex, it’s what you make of it.

What’s the scariest/most fearful part about sex for you?

For sure STIs, specifically HIV/AIDS. I think that constantly getting tested and knowing your status is wildly important.

Do you feel you’re open about your own sex life or is there still stigmas or shame when it comes to that?

I feel fairly open about my sex life. It is always a topic of conversation among my friends and I. However, sex is incredibly personal and there are definitely parts of my sex life I don’t share with others so that my sex life remains personal and intimate.

You’re not the only one thinking about sex

(Dude, you’re not the only one thinking about sex. And that’s perfectly healthy. Illustration by Cat Baldwin/Very Good Light)

There is plenty of information (though never too much) on the internet for women’s sexual empowerment.

We live, by and large, in a sex-negative culture, so to see so much sex positivity in the media is a great thing. If you’re interested in reading some, check out this, this, and this.

Though, there isn’t much out there for guys. Men are historically seen as in charge, this means it’s just expected that they should know how to do everything. On top of that, men are portrayed as these feral creatures who want desperately to put their dicks in any hole they can. This kind of thinking does none of us any favors.

Meanwhile, education is doing you no favors. Sex Ed is a disaster in America. Betsy Devos is currently doing everything in her power to kill what little sex ed we have. I think we’d be remiss not to carve out your place within the sexual framework, boys. It’s not all about sticking your penis in something and then that’s, like, it.

We think because men achieve orgasm 86% of the time, we should just ignore any other needs or desires entirely – when really everyone deserves to have the best sexual experience possible.

Female sexual empowerment is essential, of course, but it’s important to address guys as well. Because it seems like the woke among us have acknowledged that people know nothing about the female body (Which is totally true. The full structure of the clitoris wasn’t even discovered until the 90s), but assume we already know everything there is to know about male sexuality.

There is a substantial pressure on men to perform rather than actually lean into sexual pleasure (just look at these studies on premature ejaculation and performance anxiety). They’re told to think about anything other than orgasm so that they can “last.” We think because men achieve orgasm 86% of the time, we should just ignore any other needs or desires entirely – when really everyone deserves to have the best sexual experience possible.

Maleness does not exclude you from the sexual empowerment movement. Whether you’re a transgender or cisgender male, queer, bisexual, heterosexual, gay or asexual, sexual liberation, pleasure-seeking and safe sex is important for every person of every gender.

To kick off Very Good Light’s first-ever sex week, here is your pocket guide to shame-free sexual understanding.

Let’s talk about porn

Hold up, guys. Let’s talk about porn for a second, specifically mainstream porn. In the age of the internet, kids are exposed to porn long before they get a “sex talk.” The average child will likely view pornagrapic material by the age of 11. Porn, while very entertaining, gives guys (and women, obvs) inaccurate ideas about sex IRL. Porn is theatrical and is meant to be super stimulating.

You’re not alone. According to a Cosmo survey of 4,000 men and women, 32% of men watch porn on a daily basis.

There is nothing wrong with watching porn, as long as you’re not self-harming, harming others. As long as you recognize that it’s a fantasy, not a reality, then it’s fine to view porn. You’re not alone. According to a Cosmo survey of 4,000 men and women, 32% of men watch porn on a daily basis.

The “porn problem” stems from the limited sexual education we have in this country. Sex Ed is worse now than it was ten years ago. Porn is not meant to be sexual education (it isn’t designed to be real), but when parents aren’t talking about sex with their kids, and kids aren’t learning about it in school, porn becomes the only thing we have to go on.

It can be pretty scary if the only exposure you’ve had to any sort of sexual activity comes from a RedTube clip. Sex is not all about double penetration and fisting. Real sex is fun, awkward, and sometimes a little weird. That’s really okay. You’re not going to be some macho porn actor-level sex machine, especially when you’re just getting your sexual sea legs. Knowing this information is important for your sexual satisfaction and for developing realistic expectations around sex.

Where guys can learn about sex

Now that Very Good Light is covering sex for curious guys, we’ll have plenty of educational content to help you on your way.

If you’re looking for more information (which, let’s be real, you totally should be), check out some of the stuff Teen Vogue (editor’s note: I once wrote about anal sex for Teen Vogue here) has been producing around sex and wellness (it’s totally for guys too) or AskMen.

If you want to read a book (look at you, so smart) — check out this amazing sex ed guide for teens, For Fox’s Sake: Everything Your Teen Needs to Know About Sex.

You do not have to be a sex god when you’ve just started having sex

On that note, don’t feel pressured to be an incredible lover when you have limited to no experience. You aren’t born into sex expertise just because you’re a guy. Sex, like everything in life, takes lots of practice (and lots of screwing up).

Don’t feel like you’re not living up to some unrealistic standard because you didn’t keep it up for twenty minutes.

We seem to put a lot of pressure on boys to last a long time in bed, have ginormous penises, and know exactly what they’re doing – without any reason to think that.

The truth is, none of us know what we’re doing until we’ve done it a bunch of times. Sex is different for everyone. Every single body is unique and enjoys different things. Don’t feel like you’re not living up to some unrealistic standard because you didn’t keep it up for twenty minutes.

Be honest with your partner. Have a conversation about how you’re feeling. It’s okay to be nervous. More likely than not, your partner is just as worried and self-conscious as you are. If you both know where you’re coming from, having a good experience together will be a lot easier.

It’s okay to ask for what you want (and it’s okay to be curious)

There isn’t much information out there for guys to learn how to ask for what they want in bed or how to even figure out what they want in the first place. It’s generally expected that you will just want to put your peen in a hole and that’s it. Cut and dry.

It’s actually not that simple. Desire is as complex as human anatomy. If you want to try something, it’s okay to ask. You don’t need to feel weird or ashamed. We all have questions, confusions, and desires.

It’s good to talk about your fantasies and to have sexual curiosity. We should never add shame to open communication. A willingness to express those thoughts will make you a better lover in the long run because you’re able to negotiate and try different things (while building trust).

Explore your pleasure threshold

Masturbation is a key part of figuring out how your body works. It doesn’t have to be this super fast, shameful thing you do in the corner of your bedroom while everyone else is asleep.

Take time to listen to your body. Which strokes feel best? Are you interested in having your balls touched? Your perineum? These questions aren’t bad, they are important to ask yourself. How can you expect a partner to know what feels good for you if you don’t know yourself?

Did you know there are male sex toys, too? Masturbation sleeves, cock rings, and butt plugs are available for you to try and explore. The sooner we acknowledge that male sexuality is complex, too, the more everyone can enjoy sex to its fullest extent.

It’s okay to say no

Here is something we never say to boys: If you don’t want to have sex or engage in sexual activity, you can say no. It is good to say no. You should never do something sexual because you think it what you’re supposed to do.

No one is saying you need to say no if you’re into doing it.

We are entrenched in a culture that cultivates toxic masculinity. It crams men into a box where they feel like if they say no to sex, they are less of a man. This is super screwed up and unfair.

Having good sex means being enthusiastic about having it in the first place. If you want to do it, that’s great. No one is saying you need to say no if you’re into doing it. But, you have to understand that your comfort and happiness come first. If you want to say no, say no. Consent is critical for every single person.

There is no such thing as a “real man.” You are a real man for taking your life and your choices into your own hands and doing only the things you want to do.

It’s also fine to not have sex

Another thing to think about and ponder: It’s totally find if you don’t want to have sex at all. If you’re not interested in doing it, there is nothing wrong with you. You are not broken or damaged.

Everyone’s desire to have sex is different. Some people don’t want to do it at all (those who identify as asexual), some people need an emotional attraction to have a physical attraction (those who identify as demisexual), and some people simply want to wait until they’re ready.

Don’t push yourself into something that you aren’t 100% prepared to do. Check in with yourself.

3 big things you should know before you have sex:

1 Everyone is super nervous.

No one knows what they’re doing. We all need practice. Trust us, your partner is probably just as freaked out as you are. Honestly, it may not feel like it, but it’s totally OK. It’s probably not going to be an Oscar-worthy cinematic experience your first time out. Breathe.

2 Always use protection.

It doesn’t matter what kind of sex you’re having, you absolutely must protect yourself. Always have condoms on hand. Watch a Youtube tutorial on condoms before you try using one. Practice on yourself. You’d be surprised how many people put condoms on wrong.

3 Have a discussion beforehand.

Having sex for the first time is as scary as it is exciting. It’s easy to get caught up in the moment and just go with whatever happens. Instead of jumping into something you may not be comfortable with, talk about what you’re going to do before you do it.

Gigi Engle is a writer and educator living in NYC. Her work has appeared on Cosmo, Elle, Teen Vogue, Glamour, Allure, Marie Claire, and Bustle.

Cat Baldwin has been a Brooklyn-based illustrator for 8 years after fleeing the scent of patchouli that haunted her formative years in the Pacific Northwest. She spends her free time seeking out delicious food and maintaining what she likes to call her “moon tan.”
Follow her on Instagram @catbee643 for photos of cats, pizza, and colorful city living.

This teen’s photo went viral for the most beautiful reason.

Photo by Jessica Nguyen

A few weeks ago while scrolling through Twitter, I noticed a beautiful man’s photo becoming viral before my eyes.

There he was, sporting a pink sweater, a red flower tucked behind his ear, in a photo that was getting hundreds of RTs and Favorites in mere minutes.

It was none other than of Clyde Drayton, a rising college freshman whose photo had him smiling serenely in front of beautiful flowers. While the photo itself was striking, the caption made it a powerful statement: “Y’all still hyper-masculine in 2017?” The tweet quickly accumulated likes as well as a follow-up tweet: “Imagine being so homophobic you don’t appreciate flowers.”

Y’all still hypermasculine in 2017?Lmao childish. I’m a straight man, but always express yourself. Be you. #Carefreeblackboy #blackboyjoy ? pic.twitter.com/oUsY1qBuA0
— clyde. (@Skipthedude) July 13, 2017

Clyde makes it clear in his tweets that he is straight, yet won’t let traditional masculinity define him. He also makes a point to dismiss homophobia, and that he stands for freedom on expression. A scroll through his Twitter reveals he is also passionate about social justice, especially when it comes to the black community.

Very Good Light caught up with Clyde for a quick Q&A and talked manhood, vulnerability in the black community and why inclusivity matters.

Photo by Jessica Nguyen

What is the story behind the tweet?

My best friend (@yungidealist) is a year younger than me. I’m going away to college, and she decided that she wanted to have a photo shoot with all those that are closest to her. She told me how she envisions me is such a physically strong male, but still vulnerable and able to be himself, so that’s why my veins were popping, and my chin was strong, but she had me with flowers, and I was wearing a pink shirt. It was all about me defining my own masculinity right there, and and that’s how she sees me as well.

What does masculinity mean to you?

I think that it doesn’t have much of a definition, it’s been so definite since time has began. I’m an African American male and in the African American community, you have to be as tough as possible. Like if I’m hanging out with my friends and somebody’s in love it’s like “oh man, I can’t believe you’re catching feelings” and all that, so I think it holds us back and it’s a bit of a barrier for guys being themselves.

Imagine being so homophobic you don’t appreciate flowers smh grow up @yungidealist and her camera helped capture all the #Carefreeblackboy ? pic.twitter.com/kyw3YduCUP
— clyde. (@Skipthedude) July 13, 2017

Why do you feel it is important to be vulnerable and to fight toxic masculinity?

I really want to take a stand against hyper-masculinity because I’m a pretty emotional person, and emotions are what makes us human. To be so hyper-masculine and to throw away all your emotions is to throw away your humanity a little bit.

You mention fighting homophobia in your tweet as well, why is it so critical for you to be an ally?

Even though I’m a straight male, I just want to make people happy, honestly. I want to unite the world in as many ways as possible. And for me, the first step is to unite the African American community, and to unite the African American community, you have to unite everyone. So that’s accepting all the males, all the women, all the homosexual African Americans, transgender people, it means accepting everyone. And once we get to that point we can expand to unite the rest of the world. But to unite the African Americans we have to come together as one, because we can’t be separated if we want change.

And what was the feedback?

It was very positive. I didn’t get a lot of reactions from my local friends, but I was getting notifications from people all the way in Oregon, or the UK, and it was positive from people of all races, and it happened to be like all women though. And they were really positive saying things like “you go boy!”

I finally embraced my man boobs.

I have man boobs.

I always have and I probably always will. They aren’t particularly prominent these days but they’re there. Even if no one else noticed them or cares, I do, and the childhood scars haven’t gone away.

When I called Dr. David Stoker, a plastic surgeon based in Los Angeles who has been featured on Extreme Makeover Weightloss Edition, the slang he had heard most often was “moobs.” While I’m usually not one to argue with a surgeon, I’ll stick with “man boobs.”

That’s how I ended up being called “Mr. Tits” and “Titty boy.”

I’ll defer to the good doctor on everything else, though. The technical term for man boobs is gynecomastia. It can refer to excess fat, excess breast tissue, excess skin, or even prominent nipples and areolae. Adolescents can have prominent nipples that will go away with age. Older men taking testosterone blockers as part of prostate cancer treatment can develop man boobs. In cases of extreme weight loss, excess skin needs to be removed and the procedure is similar to a mastectomy.

While I should be grateful that I don’t have an extreme case, it doesn’t help much with my own self-image.

Sunscreen smells like shame to me. Whenever I catch of whiff of it I’m transported instantly back to childhood summers, either at a pool or a beach, and having to take off my shirt, apply sunscreen, and, worst of all, reveal my man boobs.

Unfortunately, in childhood, permission to generate cruel nicknames is not granted to those with the greatest wit. That’s how I ended up being called “Mr. Tits” and “Titty boy.” Neither one a bon mot of the highest order.

Once at soccer camp, as I was about to take a throw-in, an opposing player shouted at me, “throw it, you fat lard.” At boy scout camp, as I walked shirtless toward the lake someone said, “boom-baba, boom-baba” like they did for Lardass in Stand By Me.

“Dude, come on, take off your shirt, what is wrong with you?”

That’s another thing, in the dog eat dog world of kiddom – cruelty cascades down. At that same soccer camp, a kid who was larger than I was had to be skins in a scrimmage. He was even more afraid than I was of taking of his shirt, so, he rolled up the sleeves of his t-shirt to his shoulders, creating a makeshift muscle shirt. I had the good fortune to be called shirts, so, naturally, I took the opportunity to mock him. “Dude, come on, take off your shirt, what is wrong with you?” In retrospect, I should have been kind because I knew what he was going through but I saw my chance to deflect some attention from me and I took it.

I asked Dr. Stoker, if most men are comfortable talking about this. He said they weren’t and, in fact, most patients exhibit, “shyness and shame and just heaviness about it that to me frequently seems out of proportion to the condition.”

I know I don’t like talking about it. I was afraid to do a crowdsource post about man boobs on Facebook. So, there was no, “Hey friends, would any of you like to talk about your man boobs for an article I’m writing?” I didn’t want to risk having no one respond nor did I want to put anyone in the position of thinking about their own man boobs if they didn’t have to.

I texted a close friend who had suffered the same fate as mine in high school. I told him that I was writing an article about man boobs and wondered if he wanted to talk to me about his experience. I wouldn’t give his name, I just wanted to get some more perspectives.

He texted back “WHA?” and then avoided all follow up texts.

So, the sample size of the man boobs population that has been interviewed for this article is one. Me. But I think I feel confident speaking for my man-boobed brethren.

Can we laugh about it? Well, sort of.

There are plenty of pop culture references that poke fun at “moobs.” There was an episode of Seinfeld where George worried about his man boobs. He felt them shake while in a bouncing car? He even asked his mother if his grandmother was “bosomy,” trying to suss out if this was genetic. (According to Dr. Stoker, it isn’t. A more relevant indicator for man boobs would be a family history of obesity.) Kramer and Mr. Costanza even went so far as to create the bro/manzier. Will Ferrell did a sketch on SNL holding his man boobs (along with Sarah Michelle Gellar holding her, for lack of a better word, standard boobs). Louis CK even had a bit in which he talked about his man boobs growing in.

And yet none of that made me feel like, “Haha! That’s so me!” It just reminded me of my man boobs and then I immediately wanted to forget about them. I chuckled and then tried to think about anything else.

Even with all of this in my life, I’ve never really considered surgery. I suppose I never hit a point where I said to myself, I have to take care of this. I asked Dr. Stoker if there was a catalytic event that brought people in to see him.

He said many people just come in once they “figure out that there’s a solution to their problem that is very doable.” Another reason is because of a life transition. He had two patients come in who were graduating high school and college. Some patients come in after a divorce. Others come in because they are finally able to afford it. (The surgery will cost you in the neighborhood of five to fifteen thousand dollars. Also, for the record, Dr. Stoker urged using a board certified plastic surgeon who has several examples of before and after photos.)

The doctor asked me if I was considering the surgery.

“No,” I said. “I’m planning to live with my body as is at the moment.”

This isn’t necessarily a happy tale of self-acceptance, though.

The irony of my adult life that I have essentially the same amount of fat on my body as I did as a child. It’s just that the children that I knew who were once so wiry in gym class have grown larger than I have. I’ve even described me as “slim.” This is no doubt helped by the fact that I live in The United States and in a part of the country where it is cold at least seven months out of the year.

I can still see my man boobs, though. Even if no woman I’ve ever been with has said anything, even if I haven’t been taunted for it in over twenty years, I still know they’re there.

“This is how I look and I need to take this damn shirt off.”

Something happened a week or two ago, though. I went for a long run in Prospect Park, a little over six miles. It was really humid and by the end of my run, I was just putting one foot in front of the other to finish. I was drenched with sweat and my shirt was uncomfortable. And so, on this particular day, I did the unthinkable. I took my shirt off. In public. My pale pasty man-boobed self was on display for all to see. As I walked back to my apartment building, I encountered a few neighbors. I was still shirtless. I didn’t run inside. I stretched, then walked slowly up the stairs to my apartment.

As I’ve gotten older, the line between acceptance and resignation has gotten blurrier and blurrier. I thought, “This is how I look and I need to take this damn shirt off.”

I still check my reflection in store windows as I’m walking down the street. I wear dark t-shirts for the slimming effect. But I feel okay about myself, man boobs, love handles, and all.

Now I can direct my attention where it belongs: on my male pattern baldness.

Rob Penty is a writer, improviser, storyteller, and web developer living in Brooklyn, NY. Check out his blog here. Follow him @robpenty.